It’s late in the evening and I’m alone in a hotel room, again, and originally started this blog post as a means to update you on some schedule changes for live streaming. But, after rewriting it a few times it is evident that this is going to become a life lately update with a giant overshare. Maybe it is because I’m alone and feeling the desperate pull to connect with someone or maybe it is because I need to find something to keep me going, because I need to stay awake and adjust my sleep schedule for broadcast. It doesn’t matter. This is what you’re going to get.
I plan to publish this on Monday (so hopefully you’re reading it then!). I’ll be finished with Season 2 of Overwatch Contenders and be packing my bag getting ready to fly home. This time it will be a trip that sees me at home for longer than a few days and I am counting down the hours. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I love the opportunity I have to travel and explore the world, but I miss the comfort of my bed and the arms of familiar folk around me. I’ve travelled for work for the last few years and it has never bugged me but this year I’ve found it particularly taxing. It could be because I’ve now got my “plus one” and being away from him is harder than I ever imagined or it could be because I’m now spending far longer away: a 5 week stint in a foreign country is tough! Regardless, I’ve had these moments of life introspection and reflection. Here’s where we are:
The most glorious thing about my player 2 is his complete lack of interest in the world of social media. With no profiles to speak of and his internet mentions secluded to some pieces of his work and my few blog posts (I know you hate these, sorry love) – he is somewhat of an enigma to the online community. I love it that way. I love that he doesn’t feed into the instagram likes or twitter retweets. He has no interest in the world I’ve created a career in and it is the easiest way to stay sane. We’ve somehow made this crazy travel schedule work for us (I’ve blogged about some long distance relationship tips here) and I’m in awe of how we seem to have adjusted. But don’t let anyone kid you, this is hard. Being apart is difficult and I struggle with it every hour of every day. I’m sure he does too but he hides it well, for my benefit more than his I believe. Despite that, if you’ve followed this blog, and past ones I’ve written, you’ll nod with me when I say, if two years ago you’d told me I’d be in the coupling I’ve now found myself in, I’d laugh hysterically. But now I can’t imagine not having this person in my life and as my rock. I’m settled and secure – it makes the stress of the job I do so much easier. Being happy is so important for your mental strength.
Like life right now lately
I currently find myself in a really strange place. A little over a year and a half ago I took a leap to make content creation a full time thing. I was so scared of the unknown and yet it all seemed to fall in to place. I work with brands like Razer and Red Bull – brands I dreamed of working with for so long. Esports has changed my life and I’m constantly in awe of the incredible productions I get to be apart of. But also, I need to find my centre again. Attempting to juggle “home and away” schedules, spending more time in airports than anyone should be subjected to and having to constantly nourish “on the run” has taken its toll. I’m not happy with my body at the moment, both in size but capabilities. I’ve fattened up courtesy of a diet of unhealthy car snacks and airplane food. I’m an emotional eater. When I’m sad or stressed, I eat. Chocolate and salty snacks are my go to and, late nights alone in a foreign country see me meeting my old friend M&Ms. What was once strong legs are now flab and I’m aware things need to change. I’ve been reading a lot of Kandidly Kerry who has inspired me to love what I have regardless but I know it is time for a change. I have a glorious body that can move – I want to move again. On my return I need to change up the lifestyle. It means taking an even bigger step back away from the hustle of work. Something I keep saying regularly, but that has to change. I’m giving up meetings for yoga moving forward. It’s time.
During the craziness I’ve also struggled to keep up with the friends that matter. We don’t see each other, put off plans and dinner dates are replaced by work functions. It has made me feel somewhat uneasy. For the last few years my “friends” have been work colleagues. Don’t get me wrong, of course they can be both but I need to expand outside of just the work circle. There’s something stronger when you can sit with a friend who has known you for 10 years and talk about the real stuff that matters. Especially when their interest in gaming, esports and tech is focused only on fun games to play or what phone to upgrade to – they have little need to “talk shop”. I miss those faces and I miss the honest conversations we could have as opposed to not really knowing where the lines of business and personal cross. I have 3 good friends who’ve been in my life forever, and are still around even though our conversations are limited to the quick text catch up. I’m sure we’re all guilty of this at some point. So between live streaming and yoga I’m planning on a host of late lunches to talk about the universe with people who know the real me.
I also feel this weird split between South Africa and everywhere else. It’s like I have one foot on home soil and another elsewhere. It makes you feel like you don’t belong in either world and I know that with a bit of focus on breathing, moving and nourishing my body and soul it will help me clear these murky waters I currently find myself drifting in. That’s on me.
Looking forward… can I add lately here?
So many of folks keep asking “what’s next?”
I don’t know. I want to host more Tech Girl events, host more esports events and grow #GamerGlitch on 5fm. I want to do more streaming, more YouTube videos and so many other things that move away from the stuff I’m already doing into new places to play. But the truth is, I don’t know how or when or what. Right now I just want to be better. So I can’t answer your questions. I don’t know what my next gig is, I don’t know if I’ll be working at Comic Con or rAge (I’ll be at both regardless). I have a few months down time before I head back to Europe for work but when it comes to what I’ll do in those months? I just don’t know. It’s very much the space I found myself in when I quit my full time job to explore this career but it feels far less panicked. Instead I feel at peace. I can choose, I can decide and, when I do, I’ll tell you.
The actual point
This post was meant to be about some changes on the content front. I finally got there. Oops! I’ve been enjoying Instagram so much lately. I’ve been playing with editing software and upping my photography skills (or at least I like to think). I’ve also become obsessed with live streaming. What started as an hour long thing to Facebook for lunch has become a creation I obsess about and look forward to every day. It is so much fun to play games and connect. Once home and settled I’ll have a steady streaming schedule:
Tuesday evening 7pm SAST – Facebook and Twitch live stream
Thursday lunch time live stream 1pm SAST – Facebook and Twitch live stream
Sunday evening 8pm SAST – Facebook and Twitch live stream
I’ll still have YouTube videos on Wednesday but I’ve been a bit less forceful on myself to get these up every week. I might miss a week, so be it. You’ll have noticed the blog posts have died down too. I’m taking the pressure off to smash out 2 posts a day and have now settled on 3 going out a week. I miss Wednesdays when videos go live and Jade ensures we have a Friday fill of Bytesized. I used to panic about decreasing content but now, it doesn’t seem to rattle me as much. I feel a sense of peace actually. A few months ago I stopped all my side line work – the consulting, social media management etc. I’m focusing on content creation and my esports broadcast work. Despite still being so busy the cut back has actually allowed me to finish work before 5 and to be able to spend weekends with those that matter over in front of a laptop smashing away at blog posts.
Again, I feel this odd sense that I’m in the middle of something and while I can see the one side, which is an out of control vortex of my first few steps as “my own boss” I’m struggling to focus the smudge that is the other – the future. I do know now, and it has taken awhile for me to feel this way, that I have such an incredible support system of readers, watchers and community members who are with me regardless and I am thankful every day that you’re by my side. I don’t know where this train plans to pause or stop and I’m not even sure its a train. But we keep on rolling along to find out, together.