pandora valentines day

Self what?

I had a pretty awful Monday. It started at 6am when I attempted to pull a mug from a high shelf and ended up knocking another mug out the cupboard – that mug promptly fell on my head and cracked in half. I picked up the pieces and proceeded to get ready and head to a video shoot. As I drove to the location it began to rain and, after 30 minutes at the location we had to call it off. Only for the weather to clear an hour later. Driving home I took a phone call and found out that I lost my partnership with my primary sponsor. This was all before 12 noon.

I’d like to say I ranted and raged and then pulled myself towards myself. I’d like to say I was an emotional wreck. But I wasn’t. I was completely indifferent about all of it. It just felt expected. Because that is what depression does: it grooms you to be in a negative headspace and when the bad stuff happens you just go “Well yes, of course this happened.” It causes you to scroll through Instagram feeds and see your beautiful friends, but rather than celebrating their beauty you fall into a trap of comparison: she’s so skinny, she’s so pretty, she takes such incredible photos – I’m nothing like that. I’m so fat. Look how overweight and disgusting I am. Oh well. Depression sucks your emotion from you and causes you to beat yourself up in the most awful of ways. You’re not angry or mean to yourself – you’ve just become that horrible parent we see in a million movies that goes “you were always going to be a disappointment and I’m not surprised.”

If you’ve been part of the Tech Girl community for some time none of this will come as a surprise to you.

pandora valentines day

Two weeks ago Constantine104 mentioned to me how a friend of hers, a member of our little community, had asked if I was okay. She’d noticed the darkness circling me for months – it was apparent in my content and my tone. It didn’t matter if I was grinning in YouTube videos or being hyped on stream – she saw through the momentary light. I’ve known the darkness for a good few months now. I’ve not publicly said anything for fear of seeming insincere. Another blogger recently shared her battle with depression and was immediately attacked on social media because she shares beautiful travel photos on instagram and was told she was “fake” and perpetuating a falsehood. I didn’t want the same.

Isn’t it ironic how, regardless of how the darkness circles you, the light constantly tries to break through

pandora valentines day

I arrived home to a gift. Pandora had sent me a piece from their limited edition Valentines Day range. A simple band with a “love” locket. On the back “you are loved” was inscribed. The gift included a T emblazed with #LOVED as well as some cards with loveable sayings. It was incredibly fitting. I wrote in early 2019 that I’d make this “the year of me”. The industry I work in is tough. I’m the product. And sometimes people don’t like the product. Maybe they don’t like the way you laugh or the way your bum looks in those jeans or maybe they just don’t think you work for whatever they’re doing. But its hard to rub off rejection and see it as “business”. Because, as I’ve said before, I’m not a brand or a product – I’m a person. iPhones are good products. They do everything you want. But maybe you prefer an Android operating system, so you buy a Samsung. Does the iPhone sit and wonder if it needs to change? Does it worry that maybe it is too fat? That its display wasn’t bright enough? Of course not. But I do.

I needed a reminder

pandora valentines day

In 2017 my family gifted me with my first Pandora bracelet. When we found out I’d be travelling extensively come 2018 they gifted me with a host of charms – each charm had a special meaning and was a reminder of the person who gifted it to me and their love for me. The bracelet is so dear to me. However, now I have a second bracelet and much like the first was a reminder of how loved I am by those closest to me, this new one needs to be a reminder that how I am loved by ME. I seem to have forgotten that. It is almost like I’ve fallen out of love with myself because of the environment around me. I think we all do it from time to time. When I look in the mirror I see cellulite, fat thighs and a bulgy stomach when I should see an able body that is able to move and run and express joy. When I’m mid conversation with someone I hear my voice that amplifies and someone who kills conversations and “rubs people up the wrong way” because I always try share a story that seems relatable…. Rather than someone who has confident in her voice and eagerly wants to let the person she is speaking to know that she too has experience their emotions and that she sees them and appreciates their journey.

This doesn’t mean I’m not going to focus on being healthier and becoming physically stronger. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to try listen more than talk. Self love and self improvement are not mutually exclusive.

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Maybe you think it is a ridiculous corporate sell out. Maybe you’re a hopeless romantic. Regardless, spend some time tomorrow reminding yourself about the stuff you love about you. Organise a cupboard or prep lunch for Friday. Do something small to help future you’s burden. Remind yourself that you are loved, by you. And that is the most important love you can give.

Disclosure: The Pandora bracelet mentioned and photographed in the post was sent as a gift.

15 Comments

  • Reply MHercie (@MHercie) February 13, 2019 at 10:56

    Psalm 40:1-3
    1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.

    You will overcome Sam, to those going through similar, speak out (preferably to a professional, they are equipped to help you).
    Give your troubles to God, speak to him too, he hears your hearts cry and you are his child and is waiting for you to call to him.

  • Reply SimplyXt February 13, 2019 at 11:14

    Isn’t life crazy. I get ridiculously jealous of all your posts, wishing my life was half as cool as yours. And here you are, wishing something similar about someone else 🤷‍♀️
    I am so glad you are going to make this year about you. Like Rupaul says–if you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?!
    Take care of yourself. Get professional help if you can. There’s no shame in depression and no shame in promoting strong mental health. You got this. And if some days you don’t, that’s okay too.

    • Reply Sam Wright February 19, 2019 at 15:11

      It is funny how we work like that isn’t it? I do think social media breeds an unhealthy environment which feeds it as well :/

  • Reply Kerry Sharper February 13, 2019 at 11:20

    This was such a beautiful and brave post Sam. I hope that it helped you, I know it helps me to write this stuff down, and even put it on the net. It’s a form of therapy.

    Loving ourselves is a constant journey – often it’s easy and beautiful, sometimes it’s really hard, dark and lonely but it is ALWAYS worth it, so try to keep that in mind.

    You inspire so many of us in ways you don’t even know so don’t ever feel like you’re not good enough. Sure, you may not be everyone’s cup of tea but you don’t need to be because there are people who love coffee. We all our place in this world and we deserve that place!

    I love the message behind Pandora’s campaign, it’s a great reminder.

    • Reply Sam Wright February 19, 2019 at 15:13

      I loved the coffee vs tea analogy. Fitting here. And thank you for the comment and support. It definitely helps to just write it all out when you’re feeling down. I completely agree!

  • Reply Bo February 13, 2019 at 12:52

    It’s a beautiful bracelet. Thanks for sharing this post. Seeing someone being brave and vulnerable online is gold nowadays. I’m stealing the part about reminding myself to remember the stuff I love about me. Happy Valentines Sam.

    • Reply Sam Wright February 19, 2019 at 15:28

      Thanks my friend. I hope it helped in some way.

  • Reply MeeA February 13, 2019 at 13:21

    You’ve got this, Sam. xx

  • Reply moonstormer February 13, 2019 at 17:29

    *Hugs*
    Love you loving you!

  • Reply Jaryd February 13, 2019 at 21:36

    Tech Grill. Life is like a box of video games, you never know which one to play on a given day in order to uplift you the most. Regardless of what that means, just remember that sometime in the future you will be smiling again.

    • Reply Sam Wright February 19, 2019 at 15:30

      Thanks Jaryd. Also Apex, very time. Lol

  • Reply Heather February 18, 2019 at 22:09

    Big hugs. I am also up and down these days, could be more anxiety and sadness though. We have to be like Nemo and swim through the tunnel.
    Thanks for the post. And I really like your nail polish. 🙂

    • Reply Sam Wright February 19, 2019 at 15:30

      We’ve both just got to keep swimming right

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