Be gone 2020

Well, we’ve survived 2020 right? At least all but the last two weeks. Famous last words I guess.

I used to write a lot of monthly wrap ups and personal posts. I haven’t done one in a while but I felt this need to spew a giant word vomit as a way of personal closure on a pretty shit year. I know a lot of people had it so much worse than me during this crazy time. This definitely isn’t a woe is me write up. It’s my own source of therapy to recap a year and then put it behind me. So let’s go.

Work, No work, Some work, Work

I started 2020 off the back of one my most successful years in my little esports career. I’d had a good year, travelled an insane amount and was trying to make decisions around a jump across the big pond. It was complicated, thinking about moving an entire life … and didn’t matter in January because things started to shift. The year started with the promise of a host of gigs and flights. Very soon those opportunities were being postponed and whispers around a year long shut down began. It began sooner for me than most of my friends in South Africa because of how COVID spread, starting in Europe. Very soon, as travel bans began it became clear that my bread and butter, overseas work, was all but gone.

I’ve always known my job is fleeting. I’ve always felt confident that when the work dried up I’d go find a day job. Except, this wasn’t an option now. Everything was shut down. I remember the absolute terror I’d feel when thinking about how to pay bills. I have savings, but my rule since going freelance was that if I had to dip into them for more than 3 months at a time, I had to get a job. I began to panic about all of this. My mom then left her job and I was aware that she may need my help down the line. Player 2 wasn’t sure what his work situation would look like. I remember 3 or 4 months waking up every morning with this sinking feeling. Because the back up plans: find a full time job, sell things… those wouldn’t work in a time where EVERYONE was struggling.

But you know what? It worked out.

I’ve been extremely blessed that the work from Logitech G and Red Bull continued throughout the hard times, without even a question. I continued to create content for them and ultimately could pay bills. I get a lump in my throat when I think about three other brands that did so much for me in a trying time. Goliath Gaming and Bravado Gaming, two of the biggest esports organisations in South Africa, and also Mettlestate, a local tournament organiser, popped up with content work for me regularly during the “dark days.” None of these brands ever directly said “Yeah, we know you’re freaking out and we’re worried about you” but I felt like they did go out of their way to find innovative ways to keep me in work and to help them do cool stuff during Lock Down. It mattered. I’m grateful.

There’s a positive out of all of this. I had to adapt and push myself. I streamed more. I pushed myself into new gaming titles that scared me. I also regularly shout casted, a new one from me. I commentated on FIFA, Sim Racing, PUBG Mobile… I freaking did it, even when I was completely overwhelmed.

I also still did two international gigs that I’m really proud of. Being the South African host for DC FanDome was HUGE for me. I was so hyped when this giant crate arrived from the LA studios, so I could film remotely. Again, I honestly felt completely in over my head but I got through it and I’m proud of the role I played in it. I then ended the year hosting the ESL Mobile Open for a week – working in new titles and learning so much. I’m really proud of the content we put out.

Here’s a recap of some of the cool stuff I’ve hosted and commentated on this year:

I’m missing a few but there you go. I’m most proud of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and spending more time focusing on production aspects. I’ve really enjoyed this and the video I did for rAge about the history of South African esports is one of the best pieces of content I’ve ever worked on, in my opinion. I’m proud that I was able to help create this in a time where personally I was breaking inside:

The good work things:

Watching Thabo “YvngSavage” Moloi become the first Red Bull African esports athlete was a huge highlight for me.
Joining 5fm again on Justin’s show for #HotDrop where we talk about gaming each week
Hosting a second successful Red Bull Hit the Streets and watching JabhiM win was a biggie for me.
Despite the start of the year, by the end I was able to dip into my savings and give my mom her first trip to a game reserve near the Kruger Park. The chance to do this meant more to me than anything else.

Angry

If I had to choose one word to sum up 2020 it would be ANGRY. I was angry at a world which is broken and angry at a lack of humanity. Everyone else was angry too. My inbox and DMs were flooded with people wanting help, needing money, needing support as they lost their jobs and tried to turn content creation into a livelihood. There were so many things that needed commentary or some sort of vocal support.

I tried.

I tried to help, I tried to give my time, my money and my voice where I could. But I was angry, angry because we were in this situation to begin with and angry because no matter what anyone did it was never enough. Everyone else was angry too. We became angry at one another. I tried, but it really wasn’t enough. I know that, but I had nothing else to give. That made me angry too. Angry because it didn’t matter what we were going through ourselves, the world deemed it fine to throw more at us.

Now the personal stuff

If you’ve read this far, well done! I mentioned the angry bit and it really feeds in to this final stuff.

What I’ve shared about you likely know already. It is stuff I’ve put online. There is a lot of stuff you don’t know. Outside of work stuff, 2020 was a horrible year for me personally. I cried more this year than I have. When I say cry, I mean those ugly heavy sobs that take your breathe away and ache in your belly. I’ve cried to the point of no more tears. I’ve felt so incredibly lost and alone at times. I know I’m not the only one. I don’t want to share the very personal stuff here, on the internet, I don’t want to. I don’t need to justify why I wasn’t online at times or engaged in things. I don’t need to share bits of my life that are mine. I know I used to. It was honestly the worst thing I did because so many people think they now have a say in what I do, how I act or how I look. That’s on me. But this year, I learnt that I don’t have to. I’m allowed to keep giant chunks of my life off the internet and that is okay.

This is what I’ve learnt in 2020 (I’m guilty of this, I’ve felt the victim of this and I plan to change how I handle this moving in to 2021): The internet is simply a fleeting snapshot of someone. You do not know someone just because you see bits of them online. You have no idea who they are, the struggles they face or the life they have. There is no sticking value in your internet following or what you post on social media. Posted today, forgotten tomorrow and all that. True value is who you are every day, how you treat people you meet in real life and what you do in the real world to be a better person and make the lives of others better.

We go online and we get angry. Especially in 2020. This anger, it divides us. We’re so busy fighting with each other we stop fighting the things that need to change. Stop fighting for a better world. I know I’m guilty of this. I’m also EXTREMELY guilty of giving the internet more time than the people around me. I miss so much because my nose is in my phone or I’m sitting behind a PC. We all do.

This year was horrible. For all of us. But it is done. I’m so incredibly grateful for the small handful of close friends who have kept me out of a very dark place this year. I’m grateful to a family who loves me. Here’s a little overshare: I’m actually extremely insecure, on an unhealthy level, which means my choice of job really makes no sense. My family knows this and are there to catch me when I fall… and I fall a lot. I’m relieved I had games to throw myself into when everything else just seemed overwhelming. If you’r reading this, you survived. I survived. That matters. I don’t know what 2021 will bring or where we’ll go. For now though I just want to say: